Thursday thoughts

So, you’re probably wondering, “what the heck?” because I haven’t posted in a few days. I mean, I food prepped, made a new recipe, have a wine review to share and everything, but….

I just didn’t have it in me.

I got the call from my mom on Sunday morning. I knew it as soon as the phone rang.

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She didn’t want a service so there won’t be one. My mom just wants us to come up in a couple of weeks and my sister to come down so we can hang out, eat, drink, and talk about grandma.

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She wanted to be cremated so my mom is honoring that. She won’t be buried with/next to my step-grandpa (whom I only know as grandpa and I’m so lucky to have had him!) because he’s buried next to his first wife. She won’t be buried next to my mom’s dad (he died when I was little so I never knew him) because there’s apparently no room (honestly, I’m not sure what that even means but I don’t really care to ask). She wants to be buried – although, seeing as she’s being cremated, buried isn’t the right word. She’s going to be in an above-ground memorial – at a cemetery in Michigan that she thought was pretty. My mom can’t remember the name of it but my uncle is going to take care of it. I don’t know if there will even be a ceremony, formal or not, when she finally goes there.

For the record, Michigan isn’t random – that’s where she lived before she moved in permanently with my mom and dad and large amounts of family still live there, including my uncle, her son, my mother’s brother. *inside joke*

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So, because there’s family there, I guess technically she won’t be “alone” but she won’t be in the same place as my grandpa and she won’t be in the same place as any other family that’s buried in Michigan. But, the thought of her being by herself makes me very, very, very sad.

As you know, I went up there the weekend prior to help out. I had some great moments with her where she was her normal, sassy, lucid self before she just wasn’t. I’m so blessed to have had those moments – and she knows how much I loved her, she seemed a little calmer when I was holding her, helping out – but I feel so guilty for not being there this past weekend.

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My aunt and uncle happened to be visiting and I had a hair appointment that I had actually rescheduled so I COULD go up that weekend.  I briefly thought about going up this past Saturday after my appointment but I decided not to because I didn’t want to stress my mom out by adding another person into the mix. I had considered going up on Sunday after my aunt and uncle left and taking Monday off of work but hadn’t officially made up my mind.

My sister sent me a random text on Saturday night with just the words, “going to see grandma.”

I feel like I should have gone.

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My sailor reminded me, because he truly is a smart, smart man, that I WAS just up there and I had that time with her and didn’t have to “share” her. That always was my preference. Selfish? Maybe a little but it’s hard to chat or just sit and be with a ton of people around (read: my nieces and nephew – whom I love very, very much but take up a lot of energy) demanding attention. #sorrynotsorry

Today was the first day I could speak about her without crying or mostly feeling like I was going to vomit. I even laughed a little. I’ll tell you the story.

I went to heat up my lunch (leftover grilled chicken & sweet taters) and someone was already using the microwave so I waited. I asked her what she was having and she said “rice, vegetables, and some leftover low-fat mushroom soup.” Ugh. Mushrooms. I told her that she had me until she said mushrooms and she was surprised to learn that I didn’t like them. Especially since I eat so many vegetables! I informed her that I was not a big fan of Brussels sprouts and lima beans either. Turns out her husband and I have similar tastes. He’s obviously very intelligent. Anyway, she pushed on the Brussels sprouts – “Not even roasted? A little crunchy? Have you ever roasted them yourself?”

Well, actually, yes. Yes, I have. Last year, as a matter of fact. For my grandmother’s birthday. I even ate one.  I went home just to see her and I was in charge of the meal.  I asked her what she wanted for dinner and she said she didn’t know. I told her to think about it and write it down and I would go grocery shopping. You should have seen my face when I saw her list. Brussels sprouts? Seriously? Yuck. Lol

It made me laugh to remember my despair when I saw those two little words, one with the capital letter.

It made me laugh to remember the look on her face because she knew my feelings about those little green balls of blechiness. #badgrandma

It made me smile to remember how much she actually liked my Brussels sprouts.

I’m really, really going to miss her.

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– jennifer

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2 thoughts on “Thursday thoughts

  1. I’m so sorry about your grandma… There’s nothing harder than having to let your loved ones go.
    Sending thoughts and hugs your way, my friend. Please, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

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